a late night ramble...

So much going on lately.
Work is good. When it's busy anyways.
Being home is just different...
I really don't ever want to be here.
But here I am. Up in the night.
Because my schedule is so damn screwed up.

I really don't like how I feel tonight.
A little off. I haven't felt that for a while.
Kind of scares me. And intrigues me.
But nothing good ever comes from it.
It makes it harder to fight.

My life seems to be falling apart in a way.
I feel that I am fighting a loosing battle.
Nothing ever seems right.

I never see my kids.
They are gone for school when I get up, and I am at work while they are home.
On the weekends I get to see them for a little bit before I go to work, but thats it.
Oh and for a while on my days off after school.
I guess it's okay. They are all way to attached to me anyway.

I guess mainly I'm just not happy with me.
I don't like the way I look.
There are days when its okay, but those don't come around too often.

I need to find a good balance with everything.
Chris needs to find a job.
He is so damn lucky that we don't have a house payment right now...
We would be screwed. We pretty much are.
I need some real me time.
I need a vacation away from everyone here.
Far away. By myself. To be me.

As I go through old things, I am learning to throw stuff away.
I am a horrid pack rat.
So now if I can't decide if I should keep something or not, I just close my eyes, grit my teeth and throw it out. I could get rid of so much and not miss anything and have breathing room.
I'm sure that the clutter is contributing to the way I feel.
One day it will be better and maybe then I will feel a little better.

I don't know how much longer I can stay happy here.
I am trying. Have been trying for years. I'm getting tired of trying though.
So tired of it.

My best friend lives 1376 miles away.
And the other (although we don't talk like we used to) is 2390 miles away.
I have never actually met either of them.
I would love more than anything to go have coffee with them.
See them. Their faces when they laugh. It would mean everything.

I am really going of on a good long ramble with this one....
I better stop now.
Get my pajamas on.
Eat something (funny how I forget to do that until bedtime)
And go to bed.

and dream of Edward.... lol


Say good night Grace.


I think I am going to cut my hair.
And color it.
Been thinking about that for a few months.
I need to be brave and just do it already.

Graduation Day

Today, I am officially a Dell tech support agent.
I graduate training today...
I am happy, but also a little weary...

After work, I am going to watch Twilight,
and get stuff ready for a 6 hour scrapbook crop tomorrow.
I need to reload the mp3 player to take with me too...
Maybe I will get my Team Edward book going.

Oh how obsessed with that movie am I?
I think more than the MCR obsession that seems to be fading...
I bought Twilight trading cards last night at Hot Topic rather than a MCR calendar - lol

I am reading the Twilight Saga again....
About 2/3 through Eclipse.
I read Midnight Sun before Twilight this time, it was awesome.

I have my little Edward action figure that comes to work with me.
My trainer likes to tease me about him... I like that he does... *sigh*

I am rambling...
But thats okay...
That is what this is for...

I think I have gotten over my little geek crush on my classmate...
It has moved to my trainer... I don't know why, but it has....

Yay for graduation day!